Jacob is a robot whose purpose is unclear to those who study him. We do know
some basic facts about Jacob (sometimes spelled jqp)—for
instance, there is general consensus that from approximately 1987 to the
present, he has used the surname
“Bondy,” while being a part of the Bondy family unit in
Grosse Pointe, Michigan. I am too busy to fill in more at the moment, but expect
a biographical outline in the future. In the meantime, I will defer to the
acknowledged expert on the subject of jqp, scholar Darrin Tracy. Here is a brief
piece he wrote for The New Yorker in 2000:
While I am no more sure that Jacob is a robot than I am that I am human, there is a substantial amount of evidence that we have gathered over the past couple of years that support the belief that he in fact was manufactured using primitive computing techniques (circa 1950s) by a company that is no longer in business and programmed to be a robot assassin while following the schedule of a typical human. The concept of how a typical human should act in the 1950s was much different than it is today, and so through an unfortunate oversight, the programmer left Jacob unable to successfully act as a typical human. Thus, a small group of his peers (a group that includes me) noticed a series of robotic tendencies in Jacob's comportment. To concisely describe his behavior, it is repetitive and predictable. There is nothing spontaneous about his daily actions that would suggest conscious thought. He walks at one of two velocities, one of which is seemingly twice that of the other. He responds to jokes in an exaggerated manner simply because he was programmed to do so. He prefers colder environments, as they prevent his central processing unit from overheating. He goes into suspend mode when a given amount of time has passed without him being provided with a list of commands to carry out. He responds to insults with violent threats that often involve death, and has a vast knowledge base of weaponry ranging from 12 gauge shotguns to sniper riffles. He initiates interaction with others by conversing with them about high performance race cars. He requires daily 3 Musketeer Bars as an energy source and generally finds all other food undesirable. When the snack machine at our high school was out of the candy bar, his functionality was lowered because he lacked his daily energy source. Although manufactured in the 1950s, he was not deployed into society until 1987 after which time we believe the outer layer that surrounds his central processing unit expanded until 1996 when he reached his maximum height and volume, both of which are presently optimal for purposes of assassination. Another important point is that he has never attended a party and he has no sexual inclinations whatsoever. That is the majority of the data we've gathered about him. There is so much more that we still do not know, like the language that was used to program him (if this were public knowledge, artificial intelligence like him would abound) and whether the daughter of his adoptive parents, Rachel, is also a robot that has been programmed to be a skilled assassin. Jacob.
In February of 2000, a panel of three Jacob experts, Darrin Tracy, Sean Griffin, and myself, participated in a panel discussion at USC. Here is an abridged sample of the question and answer period:
Question: Who is Jacob?
Sean Griffin: He’s a fucking robot.
Q: Why does he have a senior page in the Liggett yearbook?
Darrin Tracy: That is sufficiently explained on www.paulrossen.com.
Paul Rossen: Sean and Darrin, be cordial to the audience members and answer rationally so that we can spread the legend of jqp.
DT: The young woman doesn’t seem to understand the value of documentation.
Q: So, you can’t answer my question is what you’re saying.
PR: Darrin, stop and explain how we know Jacob and how we came to conclude he’s a robot
DT: Paul and I enrolled at ULS in the early ’90s when into the 5th grade—Jacob was in Ms. Hartnett’s class. He seemed human enough, but as we got to know him, we realized that things weren’t right with him.
Q: Did Jacob never eat?
DT: He finds the source of his daily energy in 3 Musketeer bars.
PR: I have no memory of Jacob “eating” anything but 3 Musketeers bars.
SG: He never consumes liquids because his inner workings would rust.
DT: He avoids hot atmospheres as they cause his CPU to overheat.
PR: He plays tuba to give his system minerals.
SG: His hair is programmed to retract when it reaches a certain length.
DT: His behavior is repetitive and predictable.
SG: He has little to his structure besides his basic steel frame.
DT: He has a vast knowledge of high performance automobiles, motorcycles, and assault weaponry; he’s had several violent outbursts due to his programming to be a robot assassin.
SG: Despite his weaponry background, he never did that well in Crazy Bones (laughter).
Q: Where and how did Jacob originate?
SG: He is a left over Russian spy robot from the Cold War.
PR: Sean, I disagree.
SG: He plays hockey—he must be Russian! (laughter)
DT: He was designed in the early 1950s by a shortsighted manufacturing company.
SG: Maybe he’s a fucking Canuck spy.
DT: Jacob is not actually known to be from Russia.
SG: So are we concluding he is a fucking Canadian robot bastard?
DT: Well no, but there is a connection between Jacob and pine trees. You’ll have to read some of Todd Davis’ work about that [see http://members.home.net/tdavis9/ —Editor’s addition].
SG: Jacob fucks mufflers (laughter).
DT: No, but as for sexual inclinations, he gets very confused around girls. While simulating an interest in them, he understands them less than even a stupid man does.
Q: Ok, so maybe he looks like a robot—I’ll admit that, but he’s just a sweet child with feelings too.
DT: He’s no child. He is a robot and nearly fifty years old. His first mission will soon commence.
PR: Fucking Rachel? (laughter/applause)
SG: Oh God.
DT: Rachel may also be a robot but on that note, I’m afraid we’re out of time. Thank you for coming.
The yearbook also has a section for mock elections, where two members (male
and female) of the graduating class are voted various things (Best Laugh, Best
In our yearbook, the accompanying photographs were often designed to contrast the headings. For example, the Best Smile winners would be photographed wearing large frowns. Here, Michelle Schwark is being the opposite of quiet by chatting on the telephone, and Jacob is being the opposite of quiet by sodomizing a water fountain.